Double Jointed? Or Just Crazy?

Okay, so you know how some (weird) people have body parts that are double-jointed? Like their fingers can bend in unnatural ways or they can flip their wrist around backwards? It's marginally gross, but also kind of mesmerizing, right? Right. Kind of like the freaks that used to populate carnival midways until it became politically incorrect to gawk at other people's abnormalities. So, I'm thinking that I have a double-jointed body part, too. MY BRAIN! Because I can be moving through my day like an ordinary person, and then WHAM! My mind is taking strange unexpected turns.

I have a habit of staring into space letting my mind go wherever it pleases. People are always asking me "Whatcha thinking about?" My typical answer is "Nothing". But that's a lie. I'm thinking SO MUCH that it is almost too much work to put it into words. But if I'm being honest, when somebody looks at me curiously and asks "Whatcha thinking about?" the answer would go something like this: "I would really like to get a new red shirt to wear out this weekend. Red is pretty. Meg Ryan is pretty. Lady Gaga is weird. Why does she wear so much makeup? I need some mascara. I should put some mascara on my cat. Why do cats have such weird pupils? Why do 'pupil' and 'student' mean the same thing? English is hard. Other languages are better. Like Spanish. I wonder if it's warm in Mexico right now. A taco sounds good. Oooo! Fish tacos! Delish! I wounder if Val is hungry for tacos? Val is funny. I wish I could remember that one joke. George Carlin told it. I should get a dog. I could name him George. Dogs are so faithful." Here I pause and hum a few bars of the classic Journey song "Faithfully". Then resume my derailed thought train..."I miss Steve Perry. I wonder how his throat is? I need cough drops. Maybe I'm getting sick. I could use a day off. But if I call in sick, I can't go out this weekend and I won't need a red shirt after all. Better go to work..." My brain has just popped back into its normal position. I think it's important to point out that the above internal monologue takes place in appx. 12.4 seconds. Amazing.

I used to worry about my rambling thought process. And then one day, Val and I were riding in my car enjoying a comfortable campaniable silence. It was probably a Sunday because we were relaxed but not giddy (giddy is our typical Saturday mood). Anyways, so we're riding along in silence, each lost in our own brains. After several minutes, Val turned towards me in her seat. I looked over at her, sensing she was about to tell me something. She looked at me very seriously and here is what came out of her mouth: "Big purple suitcase". Then she turned away and went back to daydreaming out the window. I'm sorry, what??? I thought maybe I had missed something important. "Ummm...pardon?" She looked at me again, clearly confused that I hadn't understood what she meant. "I need to get the big purple suitcase out of the shed." Ahhhhh...a full sentence. NOW I got it. It made me feel good that I wasn't the only one having disjointed thoughts. She just lost control and said one of hers out loud. It would have been like me being lost in my own thought process (see above) and blurting out "Fish tacos!" or "Cat mascara!" Anyway, we cracked up and now, whenever one of us says something completely random, the other one says "Big purple suitcase". It's one of our inside jokes. We have a lot of them, and they make us happy.

So that's it. I thought it was time to add to my blog. Apparently I'm on the tri-annual plan. Wait...does that mean every three years, or does it mean three times a year? I wish Christmas happened three times a year. I love cookies.....

Recycled Resolutions

   Alright, alright, alright...time to shut up and write something already. Jeez. It is, after all, one of my New Year's Resolutions. (To write, that is. Not to shut up. God forbid).

   So every year at this time, I, like everyone else, compose my list of resolutions. Call it a wish list of sorts. It's not hard. Why? Because it's the same list EVERY FREAKIN' YEAR! Why? Because approximately 18 minutes after resolving to fix myself, I fall off of the proverbial wagon and stay exactly the same. Let's take a look at last year's list, shall we?

~Lose Weight. Well, I'm nothing if not sweepingly non-specific. I can honestly say that I lost weight this year. And gained it again. Then lost it again. And then found it. You get the picture.

~Exercise More. Yeah. Let's just say that this did not happen. Had it happened, I might have been more successful on that first resolution.  I have been getting so desperate to have ANYTHING that I can call exercise in my life that I am reduced to counting calories burned during a rousing 15 minute game of Wii tennis (about 85, if you find that kind of information helpful). 

~Quit Smoking. Okay, I actually did quit smoking in 2008 (4 months and counting). But don't give me any pats on the back for keeping a resolution. I have made the same promise every New Year's for probably 15 years. What made this year different? Well, for one thing, my son (bless his heart) bothered me and made me feel guilty EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  Also, every night when I laid down to go to sleep, I made sounds similar to those of a far-off train. One that has a very old engine. And is trying to make it up a very large hill. I think I can't, I think I can't...wheeze

~And lastly, Eat Better. But (loophole) I never

specified better than what! Ah ha! I guess I did succeed.

I did, in fact, eat better. I eat better than most people.

If by better you mean lots of things like chocolate. If 

you mean lots of things like carrots, well then, no. I did 

not eat better.

So this year, I am trying something different. I am

making a resolution every day. I even got myself a

pretty purple notebook in which to write them down. 

They are more mini-goals and less huge, sweeping

demands. Things like "drink 8 glasses of water", "lift

weights for 20 mins.", "clean out sock drawer". You get

the idea. That's as close as I'm getting to a resolution in

2009. Because, frankly, I'm sick of Resolution Reverb. 

That's that faint echo somewhere in the darkest recess

of your mind: "Loser... loser... loser". This way, I can 

high-five myself EVERY DAY. And if I do happen to slack

off, what the hell. It's only a mini-failure, as opposed to

a whole year's worth.

GO, ME!